He came into my Second Life 210 days ago and insisted that I notice him. Within a week he had changed everything.
And I understand ... you don't need to read this. Other people's mushy stuff doesn't interest me, and like you, I'd prefer they kept it to themselves.
I just want to take a moment and thank him. For the way he understands what I am doing, even before I do. For the way he never lets me get carried away with a fallacy. For not letting me withdraw, despite the many times I tried. For noticing what I look like, and for caring what he looks like. For understanding my friends and reminding me why I love them. For always, always supporting me, in my plans, in my actions, in my frustrations. For giving me ideas, for taking my ideas and giving them wings. For dancing with me, in the snow, and for loving "Whisper Of A Thrill" so much he makes me love it too. For always being strong, and male, and proud, without ever being obnoxious, or controlling, or deceptive.
For making the effort to make every one of 200 days sparkle, without ever making it look like an effort.
It's true I am somewhat sentimental. I don't get much time to form attachments, but when I do, I consider them formed for life. Even when the nature of the attachment changes, I like to think I remain the same, or that my level of care and attachment remains true. I hold talismans, and small equations in my mind, and these things are my keepsakes.
Talisman: For three years I have worn a lip piercing that was crafted for me by my first SL companion. I never take it off, unless another item uses the same attachment point, and then, reluctantly.
I have told the story of this companion in these pages before. How I didn't expect such a connection, and then didn't believe in it; how he disappeared suddenly and how I grieved when he left. Eventually he reappeared, and continued to do so, sporadically. Equation: He was the First Idle Rogue, the Rogue for whom the group was named, and throughout the three years of Idle Rogue's existence, he remained a member of the group.
I have looked at that relationship in many lights; not all of them rosy. I have wondered what his purpose with me was, and what made him disappear. Over time it has become a wistful thing, but nothing greatly hurtful. I was happy to think we were still friends, after a fashion, and that he had as much left Second Life as left me. I came to think that, since I could never have left either, it was just one of those unevenly-balanced attractions.
On the weekend he revealed a new avatar to me, and told me a story I frankly don't believe about what was happening to with his former account.It matters not. He is no longer an Idle Rogue. He has returned to Second Life, and he does not intend that we will be friends, this round.
And I am fine with it. Just a little sad. The equation has changed, the talisman is pointless. And though I had "moved on" (more than once, in fact :-D), it saddended me to know that this foundation had shifted.
But the week was not done with me yet. My former partner also issued a note to explain he no longer felt engaged by Second Life. Life has become busy for him, and logging on was less and less a priority. He didn't see himself as leaving forever ... but certainly around less.
At this point, it would be disingenous of me not to mention that I am fairly intensely involved with someone new. That, also, has been mentioned in recent posts. I am content. My new companion is eminently suitable for what I do in and want from Second Life. I am no churl. I do not want my past back.
In our luxurious twenty-first
century lives, we have the "advantage"of being able to contemplate change. Our Second Lives are almost
certainly "inessential". Changes within them can be studied and
experienced without the pressing urgency of "survival", which is what
change used to mean to humans, and not so long ago. Of course, that's actually a double-edged sword. When you're adapting and surviving, you don't have time for grieving and resisting.
I feel such a great melancholy that these changes have swept through. Small tears have appeared in the fabric that is my SL story.
It feels less strong. It feels like there is less love supporting me.
This is not true, or is more complicatedly untrue than that sounds. But I
am sad nonetheless.
It's a rainy school holiday monday for me, and I am procrastinating about my housework by going over my options. It occurs to me that my SLife is quite a charmed existence. People come to me with terrific ideas, and I get to toss them around and try to make something of them. It's not constant, but it's steady (and thank god, because I have a little trouble with saying 'no'"). As one project draws to a close, there is usually another forming up.
We just finished a fundraiser. I'm not big on fundraisers, they make me a little resentful. Part of travelling light is turning one's head away from things that cause distress. If I start to consider lending my support to one cause, I have to think about all of them, and then it seems there is not one cause that deserves support more than another. I believe I am like most people this way. I can't support them all, so I stick to donating to the ones that capture my fancy on an ad hoc basis.
As I write this, I am aware of how shallow it sounds ... but I still believe most people feel the same way. There's a reason musicians are constantly getting hit to perform for a fundraiser. It's no joke, the musicians I have worked with are hit on daily to give time to this or that cause, and often very aggressively. I understand why - fundraisers need to find that element that makes their event the one that captures the public's fancy. And I totally understand why the performers feel beseiged - which do you say "no" to, how do you gauge worth when it comes to misfortune?
When it came to me being asked to lend my support to a cause, I said yes, of course - I always say yes. So then my task becomes "how do I make my event the one that captures the public's fancy?" I am pleased to say, the choices we went with were successful. We did not raise a lot of money, but I wasn't really expecting we would. We did put on a great event that brought first and second life together in a way that was mutually satisfying, and by doing that, we raised awareness. I have many thoughts on what we could have done differently, but also on what worked really well.
surveying options
Ultimately, I feel honoured to have been asked to be part of it, and proud of what we were able to do. I imagine that is the feeling serial fundraisers get, and, at least for some, the thing that keeps them motivated to do it over and over again. Me? I'm still not big on fundraisers ... and I'll still be supporting the ones that somehow capture my fancy.
The following transcript is a speech made by Jewellah Magic at the opening of the new Guerilla Burlesque theatre on September 9th, 2011. It was a little surprise :-D
I have been nominated by the Guerillas to present an award tonight.
Chryblnd Scribe, please join me on stage.
We, your peers are presenting you with this Oustanding Contribution award for your continued contribution to the Burlesque artform in Second Life.
Chryblnd Scribe's contribution to Burlesque venues, troupe creation, special events, promotion and training has left it's mark on SecondLife. Dancers want to be working with Chry, because she raises everyone to another level. She makes any team greater than the sum of their parts. Chry shows us every day, how anything is possible.
Chry is very much a master of her artform. Brought to life each and every week, she immerses us in her curious mind, the one that's perfected the allure of not only her million Linden avi, but that of the stage. She brings out the inner desire in us all to want to be on it, to draw out the heartfelt emotions of an audience, and to tell our story, OUR way. The acts we create are a part of what we've done, seen, felt and sometimes mourned and yeah, yearned for. Acts that are very close to our own emotional journey through this life and the one out there.
Chry is supportive loving and caring to all of those around her. Chry is the first person you want to hear your idea, and the first person you want to show it off to once you've sculpted, textured, xstreeted, toiled, perfected and listened to the same song 1000 times over. Even if you never display it for all the grid to see, it doesn't matter, because it's her opinion that matters, and when you've created an act worthy of her affection, you know. It's why we're here. It's why we do it. It's also, why you watch.
Chry, with your mind, your talents, your creativity, and your drive to please others, you push the ones you love to new heights. The life you breathe into others is the reason Guerilla Burlesque remains innovative and the best growing show in Second Life.
The Guerillas thank you for your contribution in bringing together a group of talented and dedicated dancers and providing the perfect venue for us to perform in. Some of us would never have become dancers without you, and it has become our passion.
Chryblnd Scribe, your prodigious, ambitious achievements across creative media, breaking technology, and tight friendships make for the most alluring dance of all.
x Chry, you are loved.
Fuzonacid filmed and created the video on the same night. It is the kind of spare and elegant thing that makes me so proud of what we do, and so honoured to be part of the Second Life community. There is much I ought to say, about the troupe, the new theatre, and the sweetness of life in general, but for this post, I simply want to enjoy the admiration of the people I like most in the world.
"Publicly displaying the level of disconnection between avatar and player that is common in MMOs would be anathema in pretty much every SL roleplaying environment. (Imagine calling your avatar a "toon"!)"
This notion, that Gamers, in their usual stance, are emotionally dissociated from their avatars, intrigues me. I have come across it, in varying degrees, several times. And it's fair to say that some of the people I am, or have been closest to, are hard gamers. In this discussion, I am thinking of "gamers" as MMO Players from other realms - WoW, for example - who have come to Second Life and established themselves. (I have also met many who came but didn't stick).
I have had at least two startling, intense discussions with friends who think of themselves as gamers and also dissociative - not a parallel they drew themselves, but one I noticed. It's interesting to me that I formed close relationships with both people. I'd like to assure both that they simply cannot be as disconnected as they inwardly fear, or that could not have happened.
I know myself as extremely empathetic: I have always and easily been able to perceive and feel compassion for the people I meet and the circumstances or mindset they act/react from. On occasion, I have felt crippled by this sense of understanding their point of view - in situations where I have needed to be hard-nosed and decisive, I have struggled to shut out the emotions of others, and, importantly, an innate understanding of how they acquired their stance.
I have also mentioned before, I am highly empathetic towards my avatar. What she sees, I experience. What I want, she attempts to provide. When she stands close to you, it's because she likes you :-)
I believe it is very possible to have a Second Life within Second Life and that this is, moreover, the desired outcome. I believe the confusion arises when people attempt to derive a first life from their second life. In my experience, those people are in SL on a mission, , and SL is simply a tool to achieve their goal. Those people are not - and I stress, this is in my experience only - as engaged with the medium. They are less likely to have more than intermediate skills, and more likely to express frustration and boredom. I also personally think they cause more harm, but sometimes it's just that they haven't the self-awareness to know what they came for.
Hanging out with my peeps on Idle Rogue
In my experience, the more successful users are those who either use SL as an adjunct to their first life - a creative and emotional outlet - and those who are able to engage with a small (not psychopathic) amount of dissociation.
Just a few months ago I wanted to write about "what I'm looking for", and gave up in the end, because it seemed like it would be dull reading.
My partnership had ended, and was followed by an unfortunate choice, a "fling" that left me feeling very hollow indeed. I am so busy that I don't really have time to establish close friendships (some will say I barely have time to maintain the ones I have). And I am not offering a real life (my personal reality precludes it) - so many people want that, even when they've denied it. I felt like I was standing alone in every crowded room. SL is a great adventure, but it's a collaborative experience, an interactive medium. It's more fun with someone who "gets" you.
Had I written the list, it would have included things like:
Personal characteristics - patience (for my lack of time, and for my mood swings), flexibility, good self esteem, honesty, fidelity, sense of humour, capacity for intellectual conversation, tolerance, a strong work ethic
SL specific attributes - time to be there, committment to being there, an appreciation for the medium and it's possibilities, an ability to separate from RL but be a real person
So uhhh .... it seems like he showed up. He is so true to my theoretical list I, at first, suspected him of being manufactured. It's a good thing he likes classic rock, because, seriously, he needed a flaw
He's also new, and I am quite conscious that who he is, in his Second Life, is unformed yet. And I have a natural instinct to bolt at any minute anyway. It weirds me out that he seems to have arrived in SL with all the skills he could possibly need to cope with me.
I am ridiculously content. And I feel I ought to say so.
Once upon a time, chryblnd Scribe had a Facebook profile, different and separate to her human counterpart's profile. I opened it because my Second Life is so absorbing, and so time-consuming, that people I knew from real life were finding their news feeds over-run with news fom a game they had no interest in. I had a view to a future in which my children might have a facebook presence. And I wanted a way to network and interact with other avatars on a less formal basis.
They were heady times :-) Second Life avatars have a strong presence on Facebook, and within weeks I had a contact list of almost 2000 avatars and people who are interested in Second Life. I stopped looking for profiiles to add, and let those who were interested add me. I was easily able to access the interesting things that were happening in and around SL, such as events, news stories, new content creation. I learned much more about the metaverse we all operate in, and I met and got to know amazing people.
The advantage Facebook has is that you can post so many different types of content. The music you like, the people you admire, random thoughts, what games you play, photographs, links. And your friends can access that information at their own pace. You learn more about each other in a lovely slow game of tag.
But Facebook doesn't want avatar profiles. It is, in fact, in direct contravention of their ToS. We all knew this, and we all knew it could happen to us. In May, it happened to me. Chryblnd Scribe's facebook profile disappeared, and with it went thousands of memories, little interactions and moments in time.
When your profile is suspended, there is, apparently, an appeal process whereby you submit identification that matches your profile's name, and can have it restored. As I contemplated the options, and the vast loss I felt at comments and content that had once warmed my heart, and would never be seen again, I decided that I did not want to lose another account. Many people simply set up with a new email address, but I decided I wanted the option of appeal, should Facebook swoop in and remove my profile again.
So I returned to my RL Facebook profile. I removed all the photos of my children and myself that had been there for family and old friends to enjoy. I warned the current friends list that things were about to change, and get busier. I added, or tried to add, those profiles I had enjoyed as chryblnd Scribe.
It's been spectacularly disappointing, and a lesson in humility. For whatever reason, friend requests I sent were ignored or turned down. I have stopped sending them, unless I know the person inworld and well enough to let them know the request is coming. And the fictional character is limited in her interactions. She can't tag people in photos or respond to them unless they "like" her, and it turns out not many people do *facepalm*.
I believe chryblnd Scribe was an interesting and innovative Facebook user. I see many avatars now using Facebook to promote and inform of events as I did, and was the first to do. But perhaps she was just an annoyance. In any case, my Facebook flow has been stemmed. Those who are close to me are there, and I love that they are, because of course, they were who I interacted with most. But I exist in a vacuum now, and I loathe it.
I suck at self-discipline. I am a Flash In The Pan kinda gal. I find a thing, love it to death and move blithely on. Sounds like fun, but in reality, it means I don't get much done. It is why I use the word dilettante in all my profiles.
Working on a dance act last year, my good friend and technical advisor, Diawa Bellic, noted that one of the people we'd approached to participate had "an awesome ability to want to fail". I don't want to be that person. But every time I am confronted with an ability I have, I start to limit myself. I give myself any number of passes ... as many as it takes to let myself off the hook from actually doing something.
Even now, with this tiny little attempt to start, I am thinking of can'ts. Maybe that's what tomorrow's post will be - a great big list of why I can't. Because, you know, things can roam around in your head seeming perfectly logical, but you put 'em out there, outside your head, and you suddenly realise they don't make much sense at all.
So I'm back in the burly game, and we all know what that means - more pretty knickers! Luckily, my friend Kay Ganache makes pretty knickers, really pretty knickers. I have known Kay for many many years, and she is one of those "maker" people, even in RL. Always sewing, baking, some domestic goddessy thing - and still has time for a second life and a little WoW. Curse her.
Nice knickers though :-)
Style notes: Hair - Truth "Zoe" - Latte Skin - League "Amber" - Greenglade Eyes - !dM deviousEyes "AngelDust" **SUMMER** Lingerie - !~Kay Ganache ~ Dita Boots - [Gos] GTFO Boots in Black
Ugh. I had this great big sleep-inducing post about "what I'm looking for", but really, it's this simple:
I have love and affection. I have amazing conversation, intellectual stimulation,humour and sympathy if I should feel in need of it. I have someone to dance with. I just wanna get laid, properly, without feeling like I'm part of a passing parade. Is that too much to ask?
